Two Jags Bulimia Nightmare - Cracking little Article!

[Lennon Saviour of E]

If Two Jags is bulimic, then I'm a size zero

Jo Brand used to have a routine about being half-bulimic. She had no problem with the pigging, she just forgot to throw up. That was the first thing which came to mind when I read Two Jags' claim to be a bulimia "victim". If you're someone who has eating "issues" or watches daytime television, I suggest you look away now or write to Bel Mooney.

As a general rule, this column doesn't do caveats, though I am prepared to concede that most of the soppy stick insects who make themselves sick to squeeze into size zero frocks are a slice of cheese short of a Big Mac and would benefit from a few weeks in a padded cell at Detox Mansion, being fed through a tube like a Strasbourg goose. Yes, I know it's not just women. I seem to remember reading that Grocer Heath used to stick his fingers down his throat after State banquets. Given the amount of Chinese food he guzzled in his time, who could blame him?

Which brings us to Two Jags, the world's most unlikely binge-puker. When I read this risible parcel of nonsense on Sunday morning, I laughed so much I nearly regurgitated my Full English. At this rate, I thought, I'll soon be out of a job. I've had a crack at spoofing the Prescott diaries in the past, but this took the Jaffa Cake.

"I'd just turn to some digestive biscuits, which meant a packet of them...I could sup a whole tin of Carnation Milk...Pauline realised in the end...the signs in the toilet gave it away...it's to do with acid... waiting room full of women...I was the only man there...perhaps they thought I was on a fact-finding mission...now I've come out about my bulimia, it might do something to help the many young women..."

You couldn't make it up. Two Jags has cast himself as this year's Paula Hamilton, the Volkswagen model who made a career out of My Battle With The Bottle - except this time it's burgers, not Bollinger. Fleet Street's Glendas are going to have a field day. This one will run and run. I can't wait for next week's instalment - Two Jags: My Menstrual Cramps Torture. Nothing would surprise me any more, given that Prescott appears to have spent his entire life in the grip of advanced PMT.

What does astonish me is the way in which this fairy tale has been greeted with widespread credulity. Rule one: never take any politician at his or her own estimation. Two Jags is a curious contradiction, a self- styled hard man who invariably casts himself as a victim - the default position of the bully throughout the ages. Despite being over-promoted way beyond the pinnacle of the Peter Principle, Prescott sees conspiracies everywhere.

It's the public school toffs, or the bloody Tory Press, or them stuck-up BBC types. Whenever he's been caught with his trousers down - literally, in the case of Tracey Temple - it's always been someone else's fault. You might have thought that a man of no apparent talent who had risen from bar steward to Deputy Prime Minister might have counted his many blessings.

Instead, Two Jags has festered in a constant state of feeling sorry for himself. For my money, the knowledge that he was permanently miserable and well aware that not just the whole world but his own closest colleagues were laughing at him always made his presence in government that little bit more tolerable. He might have been wallowing like a pig in the proverbial, he might have been wreaking untold damage on the nation, but we knew that he was deeply tortured and unhappy. And he knew that we knew, which made it all the more delicious.

There have been some rogues and incompetents who have reached high office in Britain, but none to compare with Two Jags. It is to Tony Blair's eternal shame - not that he has any - that he elevated this semi-literate oaf and charged him with running great offices of state. Churchill gave us The History Of The English Speaking Peoples. Alan Clark and Dick Crossman gave us their diaries.

Two Jags has delivered Prezza: My Story, coming soon to a remaindered bin at a bookshop near you. It is his last, vain - in the truest sense of the word - attempt to cash in before he stands down as an MP. He's never been bulimic, just greedy. His approach to food mirrored his approach to life - gorging himself on houses, hotels, helicopters, limousines, first-class travel, free tickets and the typing pool.

And now we're asked to buy the idea that he's some kind of victim, baring his soul in the hope that it might help unfortunate young women. Excuse me, I think I'm going to be sick.



By Britain's finest columnist - co-incidentaly writing in Britain's finest newspaper

[Darren]

Originally Posted by Lennon Saviour of E

If Two Jags is bulimic, then I'm a size zero

Jo Brand used to have a routine about being half-bulimic. She had no problem with the pigging, she just forgot to throw up. That was the first thing which came to mind when I read Two Jags' claim to be a bulimia "victim". If you're someone who has eating "issues" or watches daytime television, I suggest you look away now or write to Bel Mooney.

As a general rule, this column doesn't do caveats, though I am prepared to concede that most of the soppy stick insects who make themselves sick to squeeze into size zero frocks are a slice of cheese short of a Big Mac and would benefit from a few weeks in a padded cell at Detox Mansion, being fed through a tube like a Strasbourg goose. Yes, I know it's not just women. I seem to remember reading that Grocer Heath used to stick his fingers down his throat after State banquets. Given the amount of Chinese food he guzzled in his time, who could blame him?

Which brings us to Two Jags, the world's most unlikely binge-puker. When I read this risible parcel of nonsense on Sunday morning, I laughed so much I nearly regurgitated my Full English. At this rate, I thought, I'll soon be out of a job. I've had a crack at spoofing the Prescott diaries in the past, but this took the Jaffa Cake.

"I'd just turn to some digestive biscuits, which meant a packet of them...I could sup a whole tin of Carnation Milk...Pauline realised in the end...the signs in the toilet gave it away...it's to do with acid... waiting room full of women...I was the only man there...perhaps they thought I was on a fact-finding mission...now I've come out about my bulimia, it might do something to help the many young women..."

You couldn't make it up. Two Jags has cast himself as this year's Paula Hamilton, the Volkswagen model who made a career out of My Battle With The Bottle - except this time it's burgers, not Bollinger. Fleet Street's Glendas are going to have a field day. This one will run and run. I can't wait for next week's instalment - Two Jags: My Menstrual Cramps Torture. Nothing would surprise me any more, given that Prescott appears to have spent his entire life in the grip of advanced PMT.

What does astonish me is the way in which this fairy tale has been greeted with widespread credulity. Rule one: never take any politician at his or her own estimation. Two Jags is a curious contradiction, a self- styled hard man who invariably casts himself as a victim - the default position of the bully throughout the ages. Despite being over-promoted way beyond the pinnacle of the Peter Principle, Prescott sees conspiracies everywhere.

It's the public school toffs, or the bloody Tory Press, or them stuck-up BBC types. Whenever he's been caught with his trousers down - literally, in the case of Tracey Temple - it's always been someone else's fault. You might have thought that a man of no apparent talent who had risen from bar steward to Deputy Prime Minister might have counted his many blessings.

Instead, Two Jags has festered in a constant state of feeling sorry for himself. For my money, the knowledge that he was permanently miserable and well aware that not just the whole world but his own closest colleagues were laughing at him always made his presence in government that little bit more tolerable. He might have been wallowing like a pig in the proverbial, he might have been wreaking untold damage on the nation, but we knew that he was deeply tortured and unhappy. And he knew that we knew, which made it all the more delicious.

There have been some rogues and incompetents who have reached high office in Britain, but none to compare with Two Jags. It is to Tony Blair's eternal shame - not that he has any - that he elevated this semi-literate oaf and charged him with running great offices of state. Churchill gave us The History Of The English Speaking Peoples. Alan Clark and Dick Crossman gave us their diaries.

Two Jags has delivered Prezza: My Story, coming soon to a remaindered bin at a bookshop near you. It is his last, vain - in the truest sense of the word - attempt to cash in before he stands down as an MP. He's never been bulimic, just greedy. His approach to food mirrored his approach to life - gorging himself on houses, hotels, helicopters, limousines, first-class travel, free tickets and the typing pool.

And now we're asked to buy the idea that he's some kind of victim, baring his soul in the hope that it might help unfortunate young women. Excuse me, I think I'm going to be sick.



By Britain's finest columnist - co-incidentaly writing in Britain's finest newspaper

Oh dearie me here we go again.

[alexxturner]

Originally Posted by Darren

Oh dearie me here we go again.

Your signatures shit

[Simonutd]

Originally Posted by alexxturner

Your signatures shit

so's yours

[Lennon Saviour of E]

Originally Posted by Darren

Oh dearie me here we go again.

Well I knew YOU wouldn't like it - and would just moan as usual!

[Darren]

Originally Posted by Lennon Saviour of E

Well I knew YOU wouldn't like it - and would just moan as usual!

Ooh now that's just nasty.

[Lennon Saviour of E]

Originally Posted by Darren

Ooh now that's just nasty.

Well someone has to tell you - otherwise how will you ever learn?

[Darren]

Originally Posted by Lennon Saviour of E

Well someone has to tell you - otherwise how will you ever learn?

You're just being silly now. I have forgotten more than you have ever known.

[Lennon Saviour of E]

It was with great reluctance that I posted this article - but it would have been shamefully remiss of me if I hadn't shared it with fellow members.

[superally]

Originally Posted by Lennon Saviour of E

It was with great reluctance that I posted this article - but it would have been shamefully remiss of me if I hadn't shared it with fellow members.

Should try cutting it down a bit,i read a wee bit then get bored with it.
Show some editing skills man.

[westboy]

Originally Posted by superally

Should try cutting it down a bit,i read a wee bit then get bored with it.
Show some editing skills man.

Here Here!

They don't teach people how to read more than one word at a time in schools today...

[gb]

Originally Posted by Lennon Saviour of E

It was with great reluctance that I posted this article - but it would have been shamefully remiss of me if I hadn't shared it with fellow members.

Originally Posted by superally

Should try cutting it down a bit,i read a wee bit then get bored with it.
Show some editing skills man.

Or just post the link with a comment on your feelings about the article.

[Lennon Saviour of E]

Originally Posted by superally

Should try cutting it down a bit,i read a wee bit then get bored with it.
Show some editing skills man.

I thought some dick on here would say that. He doesn't pad things out anyway.

It's only a quarter of a tabloid page. Your reading difficulties can't be that bad?

[Lennon Saviour of E]

Littlejohn had Two Jags number as far back as 10 years ago, when he was popular with most people.

How this for an accurate summing up:

"He's a chimp, a pustulating boil of resentment and class hatred, a chippy, thin-skinned puffed up laughing stock, an ocean-going tub of lard, groaning with arrogance, ego, hypocrisy, and inferiority, he's an inadequate, inarticulate embarrassment, a disgrace to Britain at home and abroad."

[jonesy]

Originally Posted by westboy

Here Here!

They don't teach people how to read more than one word at a time in schools today...

OI! Cheeky bugger...education in schools is better now than it was in my day.

Originally Posted by Lennon Saviour of E

How this for an accurate summing up:

"He's a chimp, a pustulating boil of resentment and class hatred, a chippy, thin-skinned puffed up laughing stock, an ocean-going tub of lard, groaning with arrogance, ego, hypocrisy, and inferiority, he's an inadequate, inarticulate embarrassment, a disgrace to Britain at home and abroad."

Let me guess, not too keen on him then...