Little Johnny, Classic Jokes!

[poolie_chick]

Little Johnny asks his dad for a tele for his bedroom. His dad reluctantly agrees.

The next day, Johnny comes downstairs asking his father 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Horrified, his father decides to tell him about the 'birds and the bees' while Johnny sat there in amazement.

'So what were you watching?' asks Johnny's dad... 'Wimbledon, dad' replies Johnny.

yes:

[boro_boy]

nice one!!

[TorquayMadChris]

ha
Made me chuckle

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her 5 year old playing with his electric trains in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say "All of you bastards wanting to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all off you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're goin down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son "we dont use language like that in the house, go to your room and stay there for 2 hours. When you come out you may play with your trains again but with nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out and resumes playing with his trains.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all your belongings and thankyou for travelling with us, for those just bourding, we ask that you stow hand luggage under your seats, remember no smoking."
As the mother smiles, the child adds,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the 2 HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kichen."

[boro_boy]

Originally Posted by Adz

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her 5 year old playing with his electric trains in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say "All of you bastards wanting to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all off you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're goin down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son "we dont use language like that in the house, go to your room and stay there for 2 hours. When you come out you may play with your trains again but with nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out and resumes playing with his trains.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all your belongings and thankyou for travelling with us, for those just bourding, we ask that you stow hand luggage under your seats, remember no smoking."
As the mother smiles, the child adds,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the 2 HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kichen."

hahaha good one mate.

[superally]

little johnny jokes are class.

nice......
......hihihihihi......

[superally]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...
but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll
give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you..."
but the girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend...
so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for £200 then pick up
the money very fast...
he won't even be able to get his pants down.

She agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened...She said, "The bastard used pennies!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it, and getting screwed

[Simonutd]

ha ha thats quality lol

[superally]

Little Johnny is in school and it is near christmas time so the kids are giving presents to the teacher.

Little Ross stands up to give his present. The teacher knows his parents are choclatiers. She takes the wrapped present and says, "This is a box of chocolates isn't it?". Ross says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she replies, "It was just a random guess Ross thank you."

Little Jenny stands up and the teacher knows her parents work at the local bakery. She takes the present and says, "This is a cake in a tin isn't it?" Jenny says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she again replies, "It was just a random guess Jenny thank you."

Little Johnny stands up and gives his present to the teacher. She knows his parents work at the brewery. She sees that the present is leaking so she takes a sip and says, "This is a can of Newcastle Brown Ale isn't it?" Little Johnny shakes his head. She takes another sip. "Right this is a bottle of Red Wine then?" Again, Johnny shakes his head. She eventually gives in and says, "Ok Johnny i give in what is it?"

And through his wide smile Johnny says, "A puppy miss!"

[Daywalker]

Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"
He continued, "And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Angel Little Johnny opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"



and thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree got its start...

[Daywalker]

Little Johnny
was in school one day and the teacher askedthe class to use the
word fascinate in a sentence.
One little girl raised her hand and said 'When I went to the zoo, the elephants fascinated me.' 'That's good' said the teacher, 'but I want you to use the word fascinate.'
Another little girl raisesher hand and says 'The clouds in the
sky are very fascinating' 'That's good' saidthe teacher, 'but
I want you to use the word fascinate.' Finally Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thought to herself, 'There is no way he can say anything dirty with this word.' Little Johnny says 'My older sister has this sweater with ten buttons on it, but her boobs are SO large that she can only fascinate'

[Daywalker]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "


She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.


She responded, "The bastard used coins!"



Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[Simonutd]

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.



"Carl," she says.



Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."



"Very good," says the teacher.



Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."



The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"



Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"



Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that **** ages to finish that fence.'"

[Simonutd]

Little Johnny and his grandpa were sitting in a boat fishing. After a few minuets the grandpa pulled out a beer. The little boy whispered..

"Hey grandpa, no one's around can I have some?"



The Grandpa thought a moment then said, "Well, does dick reach your asshole?"



"Umm..no."



The Grandpa smiled, "then you can't have one."





Later on the Grandpa lit up a ciggarette. Little Johnny asked again, "Hey Grandpa, no one will ever find out, can I try it?"



The grandpa replied, "Does your reach dick your asshole?"



The boy frowned, "No."



"Then you can't try it."





The Grandpa was feeling quite proud with himself when the boy pulled out a package of fresh baked cookies. He felt like he had earned it so he said to the boy, "Hey sonny pass one of those over here."



The boy sat for a moment looking at the bag, then smiled and said, "That depends, does your dick reach your asshole?"



The Grandpa laughed and said, "Why yes it does."



To this the boy replied, "Then you can go **** yourself, cause Grandma made these cookies for me!"