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French Fighter Pilot
 
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Pierre stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

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5 hours ago, Hairy Scot said:
French Fighter Pilot
 
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Pierre stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Hahaha good one.

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." 
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. 
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"

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Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night...

"Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour", she said. 

I replied, "I haven't even put it on yet!"

I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number sexy." 

I said, "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Yes."

I said, "Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing!"

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When I arrive home last night my girlfriend was sat opposite me with her legs wide open. I said to her, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"

"Oh, yes!" she replied with a little smile.

I said, "Thank fuck for that. I thought the sofa had burst!"

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed.

Looking at her lifeless body, I decided to have one last ride. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted, "Boo!"

Honestly some people are sick in the head!

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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think. It's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

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My wife asked me, "Shall we go bowling or stay at home?"

I replied, "I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

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I hate it when the clocks go forward an hour. It means for a week afterwards I get my usual wake-up erection when I'm on the bus to work!

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22 minutes ago, Vinnie said:

A bloke stopped me in the street and asked "Is the a B & Q in Wigan?"

 

I said "No mate...It is spelled W I G A N." 

get your coat time ?......:flashing-lol:

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A prostitute told me I could have sex with her for the reduced rate of £10 as she didn't have a womb...

Intrigued, I asked how we would do it? 
She replied, "Acwoss the woad, against those wailings!"

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Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped!"

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Posted (edited)

Pastor O'Grady was wandering through Blythswood Square in Glasgow when he was approached by a young lady who said "Are you looking for a short time?"

He replied, "If the lord wills it I hope to have a long time."

She says, "No no. You misunderstand. I'm in business for myself."

He says, "Really! And how is business?"

"Pretty good. If I had another pair of legs I'd open in Edinburgh,"

Edited by Hairy Scot

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Women are very strange creatures. 
They love celebrating their birthdays, they love lingerie and they love car boot sales...

Yet when I buy my wife some lingerie from the car boot sale for her birthday I suddenly turn into a useless, thoughtless bastard!

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My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive...

Apparently, "Don’t worry love, your tits cover it!" wasn't the answer she was looking for!

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