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Hairy Scot

The Joke thread. If you are easily offended do not enter.

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6 minutes ago, The Realist said:

Just ordered a Chicken and an Egg off Amazon, i'll let you know

Best to know what came first.

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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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My 4 year old was struggling to open a yoghurt lid today when he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!"

My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he got that from?"

I replied, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt!"

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My wife spent an hour and a half getting ready to go out last night. Finally the bathroom door opened and she said, "Do l look fat in this?" I said, "Yes, but to be fair it is a small bathroom!"

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There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tractor and tow it back. He pulls apart his Datsun Ute and does all the fault finding and diagnostics you can imagine. He pulls apart the gearbox and finds a broken cog.

So he calls up the Datsun dealership and explains to him how his Datsun Ute broke down, and he needs a new cog for it. He asks if he could help him out. The dealership tells him "Yeh mate, I can get one in for ya but it's going to take about 6-8 weeks." The farmer says, "why so long? I really need the Datsun cog for my Datsun Ute." The man replies, "Yeh sorry mate, the parts coming from Japan, nothing I can do." The farmer says "fair enough" and hangs up the phone. He comes up with the idea to just fly over there himself and pick it up, as it's costing him money not having his Datsun ute running.

He buys a plane ticket to Japan expecting he's just going to get there and buy a Datsun cog and return home. He finally lands and makes his way to the Datsun factory. Out comes one of the workers and the farmer says to him, "Mate, I'm after a Datsun cog for my Datsun ute." The factory worker says "Yeh no worries, but we're a factory, you can't just buy one Datsun cog. You have to buy a 1000 Datsun cogs minimum." The farmer agrees and he takes a pallet of a 1000 Datsun cogs back onto the plane making his way home.

As the planes descending the planes to heavy for the landing gear and the flight attendants announce their going to throw out anything they deem as excessive. The flight crew are staring at a pallet of a 1000 Datsun cogs, thinking who would want a 1000, it's a Datsun.

So they decide to push it off the back of the plane. When at that moment the farmer comes racing in saying "stop, stop!". He reaches into the pile and grabs a Datsun cog out. And he's happy, as he got what he came for. So they push out the remainder, like 999 Datsun cogs, but let's just say a 1000, who's counting.

So you can imagine, a 1000 Datsun cogs are falling from the sky from a plane, what a sight that would be. 2 other farmers, Billy and Joel, sitting out on their sun deck see exactly that. Billy yells out, "Joel! Wake up! It's raining Datsun cogs!"

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23 minutes ago, Hairy Scot said:

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tractor and tow it back. He pulls apart his Datsun Ute and does all the fault finding and diagnostics you can imagine. He pulls apart the gearbox and finds a broken cog.

So he calls up the Datsun dealership and explains to him how his Datsun Ute broke down, and he needs a new cog for it. He asks if he could help him out. The dealership tells him "Yeh mate, I can get one in for ya but it's going to take about 6-8 weeks." The farmer says, "why so long? I really need the Datsun cog for my Datsun Ute." The man replies, "Yeh sorry mate, the parts coming from Japan, nothing I can do." The farmer says "fair enough" and hangs up the phone. He comes up with the idea to just fly over there himself and pick it up, as it's costing him money not having his Datsun ute running.

He buys a plane ticket to Japan expecting he's just going to get there and buy a Datsun cog and return home. He finally lands and makes his way to the Datsun factory. Out comes one of the workers and the farmer says to him, "Mate, I'm after a Datsun cog for my Datsun ute." The factory worker says "Yeh no worries, but we're a factory, you can't just buy one Datsun cog. You have to buy a 1000 Datsun cogs minimum." The farmer agrees and he takes a pallet of a 1000 Datsun cogs back onto the plane making his way home.

As the planes descending the planes to heavy for the landing gear and the flight attendants announce their going to throw out anything they deem as excessive. The flight crew are staring at a pallet of a 1000 Datsun cogs, thinking who would want a 1000, it's a Datsun.

So they decide to push it off the back of the plane. When at that moment the farmer comes racing in saying "stop, stop!". He reaches into the pile and grabs a Datsun cog out. And he's happy, as he got what he came for. So they push out the remainder, like 999 Datsun cogs, but let's just say a 1000, who's counting.

So you can imagine, a 1000 Datsun cogs are falling from the sky from a plane, what a sight that would be. 2 other farmers, Billy and Joel, sitting out on their sun deck see exactly that. Billy yells out, "Joel! Wake up! It's raining Datsun cogs!"

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27 minutes ago, Normski said:

Persuaded my wife to smuggle coke through customs by sticking it up her arse...

Feel pretty bad about it now though. I didn't know you could buy another can in the departure lounge!

The images ffs!......:flashing-lol:

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A woman was in a jewellers admiring a big diamond ring.

As she leans down for a closer look a little farts slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks, "How much is that one?"

The jeweller says, "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tel you the price!"

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4 minutes ago, Normski said:

I don't carry a donor card. I find it depressing enough the number of women who rejected my organ whilst I've been alive!

Good one, not checked out this thread for a while but glad I did today :)

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14 minutes ago, Normski said:

Whilst shagging the wife last night, I asked her to moan for me.

"Sure," she grinned. "Put those fucking shelves up." 

I glanced down and thought, "Yep, they'd probably fit!"

I don't get it, am I stupid?

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6 hours ago, Normski said:

Whilst shagging the wife last night, I asked her to moan for me.

"Sure," she grinned. "Put those fucking shelves up." 

I glanced down and thought, "Yep, they'd probably fit!"

 

6 hours ago, boro_boy said:

I don't get it, am I stupid?

 

2 hours ago, Normski said:

Absolutely

Only question would be "Lengthways or broadways?"

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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink... 

She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work!

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I started my new job as a bus driver today but it didn't go to well. 
A stunning blonde with large tits got on and asked me, "Are you going to Oldham?" 

Well she didn't have to ask me twice. Oh well back to the job centre tomorrow then!

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