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The Joke thread. If you are easily offended do not enter.

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My girlfriend takes sex far too seriously. I was shagging her from behind the other night, slapping her on the arse screaming, "Who's your daddy, who's your daddy!"

"Fuck off," she snapped. "You know who our daddy is!"

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A woman goes to her gynaecologist. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"Something is wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps. They're stickers off bananas!"

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A man walks into the doctors with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his anus.
The doctor takes a look and says "God, looks like you've got a problem there."
The patient replies "That's just the tip of the iceberg!"

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There Are Four Kinds Of People In The UK

The Scots, who keep the Sabbath - and everything else they can lay their hands on.

The Welsh, who pray on their knees - and on their neighbours;

The Irish, who don't know they want - but are willing to die fighting for it anyway;

Lastly, the English, who consider themselves self-made men - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility...
 

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The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied, "As hard as your knob when you're thinking about me naked."

I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!"

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My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening...

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, Siri laughed!

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3 hours ago, Normski said:

I am struggling on a crossword. 5 across, 6 letters: 'Someone who has not had sexual intercourse yet'

_ I _ G _ _

Oh hang on, just got it....

GINGER

Remember thon boy from your work.....French Delicacy..... 5 and 4......

 

He wrote Paris Buns.....🤣😂🤣😂

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1 hour ago, Bastion said:

Remember thon boy from your work.....French Delicacy..... 5 and 4......

 

He wrote Paris Buns.....🤣😂🤣😂

Aye😂

And the same guy was doing a crossword in the bar,a bloke came  over to him as he was biting the the end of the pen,asked him could he borrow the pen,he gave it to him

Guy went into bog and stuck the pen up his arse then went back to him and returned it

The guy sat watching him as he started biting the end of the pen again😂😂🤮

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2 minutes ago, Normski said:

Aye😂

And the same guy was doing a crossword in the bar,a bloke came  over to him as he was biting the the end of the pen,asked him could he borrow the pen,he gave it to him

Guy went into bog and stuck the pen up his arse then went back to him and returned it

The guy sat watching him as he started biting the end of the pen again😂😂🤮

I'm appalled.......

 

Fs

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6 hours ago, Normski said:

Alexa laughed,

Last week we had electricity probs in random houses in the village. We had them and the neighbour across the road also. She cam e over to tell us her microwave and fridge freezer were playing up but she justy about shat herself when her ALEXA thingy started speaking....:flashing-lol:

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This story is true, but it does make a good joke.

Before I moved to Souff Efrika in 1981 I had job offers in both Canada and Australia.
I had an interview at Australia House with two very nice Aussie gentlemen, named Charles and Bruce.
Anyway, during the interview they went over the details I had provided on the various immigration forms.
So, being a smart arse, when we got to "Do you have a criminal record?", I quipped "I was not aware that was still a requirement".
The Charles was quite amused but Bruce was most upset.

I guess that's why I wound up in Souff Efrika.    :mischievous-grin-smiley-emoticon:

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