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The battery in my wife's dildo ran out last night so we had to do it the old fashioned way...

I've been picking bits of cucumber out of my arse all morning!

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Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback, and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. 

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."

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2 female police officer dog handlers are on the beat.

"I'm cold. I left my knickers at the station."

"Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them for you."

The dog returns 20 minutes later with her knickers, a truncheon and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

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10 minutes ago, Normski said:

2 female police officer dog handlers are on the beat.

"I'm cold. I left my knickers at the station."

"Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them for you."

The dog returns 20 minutes later with her knickers, a truncheon and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers!

Obviously....Image result for fish fingers images

were locked away.

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I had sex with a girl last week in 1 minute 43 seconds.

She said it was absolutely pathetic.

I told her to give me a chance and I'll do better next time.

I shagged the same girl last night in 1 minute 12 seconds.

Check me out! Beat it by 31 seconds!

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13 hours ago, Normski said:

After all these years, my wife has managed to keep her schoolgirl figure...

She was a fat cunt back then too!

You're an awfy man Norm!  :-)

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My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his forehead...

My sister went mad when she looked in his pram!

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Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce...

At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork!

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1 minute ago, Normski said:

Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce...

At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork!

thinking about going for one shortly tbh.

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Bikers were riding west on I-70 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the fuck out of here."

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My mate was the fittest person I knew. He went to the gym 7 days a week. Entered Ironman contests, he even did back to back marathons once.

Then one day he went for a jog in the park and BANG!

He met a girl, got married, and now he's a fat bastard just like the rest of us!

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