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Hairy Scot

The Joke thread. If you are easily offended do not enter.

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I was in the pub with my girlfriend  when she said, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure babe," I replied, stroking her hair. "What is it?"

"Why are you with me?"

I said, "Because I love you."

She said, "I know, but this is the ladies toilets and I'm trying to have a shit!"

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She, "What first attracted you to me?"
He, "Well, I can't really think"
She, "My figure?"
"Not really"
"My personality?'
"Nnooo"
"Ach! I give in!"
"That's it!"

 

 

 

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I was at a fancy dress party last night when a fat as fuck bird came over to me.

She blushed and said, "I really fancy you." 

"Calm down, " I replied. "It's just a costume, I'm not a real fucking doughnut!"

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I was in a restaurant recently and there was a group of deaf-mutes at a nearby table.
I found myself wondering if their mothers ever slapped them for speaking with their hands full.

 

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For our honeymoon I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands...

I'm happy to announce in September we're going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!

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I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, "You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best fuck ever."

She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."

"Good, I'm glad I've got his support!"

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A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

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I said to my mate, "Did you know that 75% of men stick their fingers up their arse whilst in the shower? Do you know what the other 25% do?"

He said, "No, what?"

I said, "You dirty bastard!"

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A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

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