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Hairy Scot

The Joke thread. If you are easily offended do not enter.

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8 minutes ago, Harold said:

But not in the form of a picture....so that's my defence so get it up ye.....:-)

I'll put the same joke up next week again so you and Hairy can have another laugh:flashing-lol:

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We hate to do this about a local business but feel you deserve to know. 😕

** Be aware **

We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (we won't name them) just been to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!! We thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? We thought we could see a little pair of eyes peering out. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... A Peeking Duck!!!

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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sitting in front of me on the bus. "You have semen on the back of your coat."
 
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said. "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I replied. "I don't ejaculate yoghurt!"

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I said to my son  "Where are you going tonight all dressed up?" 
He said "I'm off to meet a new girl" 
I said "Don't forget to wear a, you know" 
"Wear a what dad?" he said.
"You know, put a hat on" I said. 
"Do you mean a condom Dad?" he said. 
"No I mean a hat you ginger twat!"

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A Rangers fan a Celtic fan and a Killie fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.

All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Killie fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it.

The Killie fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.

The Celtic fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: Please fix two pillows on my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Rangers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of Glasgow, your side of the city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Gers fan replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.

"Tie that Celtic supporting bastard to my back..." 

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