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Hairy Scot

The Joke thread. If you are easily offended do not enter.

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8 minutes ago, Harold said:

But not in the form of a picture....so that's my defence so get it up ye.....:-)

I'll put the same joke up next week again so you and Hairy can have another laugh:flashing-lol:

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We hate to do this about a local business but feel you deserve to know. 😕

** Be aware **

We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (we won't name them) just been to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!! We thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? We thought we could see a little pair of eyes peering out. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... A Peeking Duck!!!

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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sitting in front of me on the bus. "You have semen on the back of your coat."
 
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said. "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I replied. "I don't ejaculate yoghurt!"

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I said to my son  "Where are you going tonight all dressed up?" 
He said "I'm off to meet a new girl" 
I said "Don't forget to wear a, you know" 
"Wear a what dad?" he said.
"You know, put a hat on" I said. 
"Do you mean a condom Dad?" he said. 
"No I mean a hat you ginger twat!"

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

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