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Normski

The New Joke Thread,if You Are Easily offended,Tough Shit

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society .

"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch"

 

FOR INFO....I HAVE PINNED THIS THREAD

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I went to visit my Grandad in his nursing home. As I walked into his room I saw a sexy blonde nurse giving him a bath.

"You lucky bastard," I said. "I wish that was me."

"You only have to ask," he joked.

10 seconds later I was scrubbing down his ball sack!

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The guy across the road told me he's sad because he just found out his wife has been fucking Dave the postman. 

"What? The fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied, cheering up.

"Why would Dave want to fuck her?" I said.

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

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Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

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4 hours ago, sployal said:

She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear!

At which point in the story Norm is knocking one off!!!!..............:flashing-lol:

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11 minutes ago, Normski said:

If he hadn't have taken the posh way in saying rear instead of asshole,i might have:happy-clap:

Was actually thinking about that word but didn't want to hurt the feelings of our most sensible members :brian-dancing-banana-smiley-emoticon:

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8 minutes ago, Normski said:

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank, she:

(a) Has intimacy issues
(b) Is frigid 
(c) Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus!

C :-) 

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Not a joke but really funny....

THIS IS AN ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER RECEIVED BY THE IRISH PASSPORT OFFICE-----HILARIOUS! 😂😂😂


Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and I am losing the will to live. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a fucking satellite dish from them back in 1995, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was fucking born and on what date.

For fuck sake, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my PPS card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight fucking passports I've had, before being allowed off the plane over the last 50 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely fucking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, because I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this shit! You send back the application form to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!!!!

What the fuck is going on?
Do you have a bunch of neanderthal arseholes working there? Look at my fucking picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I just want to go and park my arse on some nice sandy beach somewhere and would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

Well, I have to sign off now, because I have to go to the other end of the fucking country to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of €30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too fucking easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why?
We couldn't smile if we wanted to
Because we're totally hacked off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive work all over the world, and here in Ireland
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am
- you know, someone like my doctor -
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!
Gobshites!!!

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A FLAT CHESTED YOUNG LADY WENT TO DR SMITHS ABOUT ENLARGING HER BREASTS..DR SMIITH ADVISED HER EVERY DAY AFTER YOUR SHOWER RUB YOUR CHEST AND SAY  ''SCOOBY  SCOOBY DOOBYS I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES.SHE DID THIS FAITHFULLY FOR SEVERAL MONTHS AND TO HER AMAZEMENT SHE GREW GREAT D-CUP BOOBS...ONE MORNING SHE WAS RUNNING LATE GOT ON THE BUS AND IN A PANIC SHE HAD FORGOTTEN HER MORNING RITUAL....FRIGHTENED SHE MIGHT LOSE HER LOVELY BOOBS IF SHE DIDNT SAY THE LITTLE RHYMNSHE STOOD UP IN THE AISLE OF THE BUS CLOSED HER EYES AND SAID ''SCOOBY DOOBIE DOOBIES  I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES"".....A GUY SITTIN NEAR HERLOOKED UP AND ASKED HER ARE YOU A PATIENT OF DR SMITH...YES I AM HOW DID YOU KNOW????...HE WINKED AND REPLIED"""HICKORY,,DICKORY,,DOCK...

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Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.

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A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup;  buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.  As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

 

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