The New Joke Thread,if You Are Easily offended,Tough Shit

[Normski 3,298]

Was in the pub with a mate last week...and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us.
My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone"
I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the fuck out of us.

[Normski 3,298]

The man who invented predictive text has died. 

His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss.

[Normski 3,298]

[Normski 3,298]

My nephew fell asleep at a Boxing Day house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his forehead...

My sister went mad when she looked in his pram!

[Gary Neville 0]

Your mom

[Normski 3,298]

3 minutes ago, Gary Neville said:

Your mom

Do you hate scousers?

[Harold 7,494]

11 minutes ago, Normski said:

Do you hate scousers?

Is that the real Gary Neville ?........................

[Normski 3,298]

2 minutes ago, Harold said:

Is that the real Gary Neville ?........................

?

[Harold 7,494]

22 minutes ago, Normski said:

?

I take it that it is not ?.....

[Normski 3,298]

1 hour ago, Harold said:

I take it that it is not ?.....

I doubt it mate

[Bastion 3,666]

2 minutes ago, Normski said:

I doubt it mate

Could be Frank Sinatra pretending to be Gary.....

[Harold 7,494]

1 minute ago, Normski said:

I doubt it mate

Norm mate....my first post honestly was tongue in cheek then you posted the laughing smiley so I had to ask.....'I take it that it is not'..........................It's actually Phil using a falsey!

[Normski 3,298]

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice...

Call her fat once and she'll never forget. That's because elephants never forget!

[Winston Ingram 772]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby and the driver says “Jesus, that is the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen”. When she sits down she tells the lady next to her and the lady says “you shouldn’t put up with that, go and give him a piece of your mind, go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you”

[Normski 3,298]

Shagging a girl with tattoos on her back is a bit like having a bathroom with a magazine in it...

It gives you something to read while you're in the shitter!

[Winston Ingram 772]

My son got a part in a school play as a man who has been married for 25 years. I said “Don’t worry son, hopefully you’ll get a speaking part next time”

[Normski 3,298]

Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars. What a load of shite...

I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!

[Harold 7,494]

2 hours ago, Normski said:

Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars. What a load of shite...

I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!

Oh Norm mate.....let's just say, you have done a lot better.

[Big si 14]

A young couple in Brixton were feeding their 1 year old son in his high-chair. All of a sudden the little boy said " Moth-er, mother". The dad turned to his partner and said "Yo babe, you hear that?? He just said half of a word"!!

[Hairy Scot 955]

Did you hear about the woman with twelve nipples?

Makes sense doesn't it?

[Harold 7,494]

25 minutes ago, Hairy Scot said:

Did you hear about the woman with twelve nipples?

Makes sense doesn't it?

[Hairy Scot 955]

1 hour ago, Harold said:

dozen tit

[Harold 7,494]

22 minutes ago, Hairy Scot said:

dozen tit

where did you drag that from ffs.....

[Normski 3,298]

A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."
Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear."
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.
Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99".
She says "99".
"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99".
She says "99".
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.
"We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99"
She says, "one, two, three....... ...". 

[Normski 3,298]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen..