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The New Joke Thread,if You Are Easily offended,Tough Shit


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Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. 

Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. 

Man discovered colours, invented painting. 

Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. 

Man discovered speech, invented conversation. 

Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. 

Man discovered agriculture, invented food. 

Woman discovered food, invented diet. 

Man discovered friendship, invented love. 

Woman discovered love, invented marriage. 

Man discovered woman, invented sex. 

Woman discovered sex, invented headache. 

Man discovered trade, invented money. 

Woman discovered money, and it was a complete fucking mess after that.

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Harley - Davidson,

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! For example,

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 53 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I will naturally be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 53 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 53 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. Now, as a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is but one mathematical difference. 18 goes into 53 a lot more times than 53 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

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  • 2 weeks later...

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Pint of bitter please barman.."

The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve ducks here. You'll have to leave."


The next day, the duck walks in and says, "Pint of bitter please mate.."

The barman says "Look. I've told you, we don't serve ducks here. Get lost!"


The next day the duck walks in and before he can say anything, the barman says "Right. I've had enough of you. Ask me one more time for bitter and I'll nail your beak shut!"


The duck looks at him then says, "I'd like a hammer please barman."

The barman looks confused and says "We haven't got any hammers?!"

The duck considers and then says "A bag of nails please, my dear chap."

the barman says, "We haven't got any nails"

So the duck says "A pint of bitter please.."

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1 hour ago, The Realist said:

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Pint of bitter please barman.."

The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve ducks here. You'll have to leave."


The next day, the duck walks in and says, "Pint of bitter please mate.."

The barman says "Look. I've told you, we don't serve ducks here. Get lost!"


The next day the duck walks in and before he can say anything, the barman says "Right. I've had enough of you. Ask me one more time for bitter and I'll nail your beak shut!"


The duck looks at him then says, "I'd like a hammer please barman."

The barman looks confused and says "We haven't got any hammers?!"

The duck considers and then says "A bag of nails please, my dear chap."

the barman says, "We haven't got any nails"

So the duck says "A pint of bitter please.."

Ffs thats 30 yrs old

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10 hours ago, The Realist said:

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Pint of bitter please barman.."

The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve ducks here. You'll have to leave."


The next day, the duck walks in and says, "Pint of bitter please mate.."

The barman says "Look. I've told you, we don't serve ducks here. Get lost!"


The next day the duck walks in and before he can say anything, the barman says "Right. I've had enough of you. Ask me one more time for bitter and I'll nail your beak shut!"


The duck looks at him then says, "I'd like a hammer please barman."

The barman looks confused and says "We haven't got any hammers?!"

The duck considers and then says "A bag of nails please, my dear chap."

the barman says, "We haven't got any nails"

So the duck says "A pint of bitter please.."

 

9 hours ago, Normski said:

Ffs thats 30 yrs old

 

9 hours ago, The Realist said:

I don't give a shite, It's just like most of the jokes in the thread then.

The old ones are the best!     

roflmao.gif

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A Man, an Ostrich, and a Cat, Walk Into a Bar...

renderTimingPixel.png

The bartender, used to these sorts of jokes, lets it slide. "What'll you have?" he asks the trio.

"I'll have a pint," the man says. "Just a Coke for me," says the ostrich. "I'll have a scotch," the cat says. He looks at the man, "so long as you're buying."

"Right," the bartender says, "that'll be $12.75."

The man nods, and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out exactly $12.75 without counting it, and then another $1.55 for tip. He and his animals go find a table.

Later, the three return to the bar. They order a cider, a Ginger Ale, and another scotch, that again the cat isn't paying for. The bartender declares it to be $13.50, and the man pulls that from his pocket without looking at it, and then drops $1.65 for tip.

This goes on for a few rounds, with the bartender naming the price, and the man not even counting his money. Talking animals is one thing, the bartender thought, but this...this is new.

"Right then," the bartender says as the man pays for another round of drinks. "How are you doing that? With the money that is."

The man nods. He's a bit drunk, and feeling talkative anyways. "So, this one time," he begins, "I went to a local discount store."

"Now, in this store, I find a lamp. Bit dented, bit dirty, but it's a buck and I figure I'll take it. I bring it home, go to clean it up, and sure enough, out pops a genie!"

The man gives pause for effect, but again, the bartender is used to this sort of thing, and waits patiently for the punchline. "Right," the man continues, "so this genie, he offers me two wishes..."

"Only two?" the bartender questioned.

"It was a discount genie," the man explained.

"Go on."

"So, for my first wish, I wished to be able to always reach into my front pocket, and pull out exactly whatever money I need to buy whatever I want." The man shrugged. "Be it a pint or a car or a house, I will always have exactly that much money in my pocket."

"Well, that's smart," the bartender noted. "Most folks would wish for a million dollars, or what have you. You? You're set for life." The bartender pulled the man another pint, since obviously he could afford it. "That's very smart; you're a smart man."

"Well, yeah, I thought so at first, but then I made my second wish."

"Really? And what was that?" The bartender asked.

The man nodded towards his companions. "For my second wish, I wished for a bird with long legs, and a tight pussy."

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This story is true, the names have been omitted to protect the guilty.

An Aberdeen man appeared in Perth Sheriff Court on a charge of bestiality.
He was accused of shagging a cat.
However the sheriff dismissed the case on the grounds that he could not believe that anyone from Aberdeen would ever put anything in a kitty!
 

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I was walking with my wife when a group of blokes on a building site started shouting things like, "She's a fucking pig mate," &, "My dog wouldn't lick her face!" I looked at her and said, "I'm not fucking having this." Then I quickly crossed the road & pretended I was waiting for a bus!

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I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my beloved walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said "Get that trolley over here love, they're doing three cases of Stella for the price of two."
 

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