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The New Joke Thread,if You Are Easily offended,Tough Shit

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Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. 

Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. 

Man discovered colours, invented painting. 

Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. 

Man discovered speech, invented conversation. 

Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. 

Man discovered agriculture, invented food. 

Woman discovered food, invented diet. 

Man discovered friendship, invented love. 

Woman discovered love, invented marriage. 

Man discovered woman, invented sex. 

Woman discovered sex, invented headache. 

Man discovered trade, invented money. 

Woman discovered money, and it was a complete fucking mess after that.

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Registration on the first day back at school in London....
Ahmed Al Sheriah
"here"
Mustafa Al Sheriah
"here"
Fatima El Bindiri
"here"
Ali Acmah Shabeeb
"here"
Ali Sun Al En
No answer
Ali Sun Al En?
Little girl at the back stands up and says
"It's pronounced Alison Allen, for fuck's sake.." 

 

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My German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten,when we have sex.Last night for instance,i rammed my cock right up her arse,and she yelled "Nien! Nien!"
Thats my best score yet! 

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Harley - Davidson,

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! For example,

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 53 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I will naturally be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 53 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 53 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. Now, as a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is but one mathematical difference. 18 goes into 53 a lot more times than 53 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

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I was in the garden earlier when my wife shouted down from the bedroom window.

"Fancy coming up here and sucking my tits?" she said.

"I can't be bothered coming upstairs," I replied. "Just take your bra off and I'll do it from down here!"

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