The New Joke Thread,if You Are Easily offended,Tough Shit

[Normski 2,038]

My missus said to me, "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table."

As we climbed into bed that evening, I said to her, "Excuse me my dear but, could you please pass me the fanny?"

[superally 1,310]

I was at the cemetery earlier and I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. A few hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin and I thought to myself, 'They've lost the fucking plot!'

[Normski 2,038]

My neighbour just walked by with two dogs.

I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?"

He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sisters."
 
I said, "Wow, your sisters are ugly cunts!"

[Normski 2,038]

A 12 year old boy goes into the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard!"

[redblood 332]

[Normski 2,038]

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.
I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering what do I do with the letters.?

[Normski 2,038]

My girlfriend said to me, "I know you've been cheating on me with that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

I said, "How can you say such a thing?"

[Hairy Scot 437]

Back in the day I had an Asian girlfriend.
We were having a night in and were discussing how we would amuse ourselves.
She suggested playing doctor/nurse or school girl/teacher.
I said, "How about some 69?"
She said, "No fucking way I'm cooking at this time of night!"

[Normski 2,038]

Looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess, smoking a roll up, cocked her leg & let out a massive fart.

"You're a fucking mess!"

She said, "I'm still the woman you love & married. Sometimes we do let ourselves go a bit."

"We're on our fucking honeymoon!"

[Normski 2,038]

I was watchin an 18-rated film when my little boy walked in.

He said, "Dad, I'm scared. Is that lady goin to die?"

I said, "Probably son, judging by the size of the cock on that horse!"

[Normski 2,038]

I said to the missus last night, "Here, put this nurses outfit on."

"Ooh," she said seductively. "Why is that?"

I said, "We need a loaf!"

[Normski 2,038]

My girlfriend announced over breakfast that she's leaving me because she says I'm obsessed with twitter...

I nearly choked on my #Brown

[Normski 2,038]

If a blind girl tells you that you have a big dick... 

She's probably pulling your leg!

[Normski 2,038]

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning... 

I love felt tip pens!

[Mr Magnificent 1,304]

1 hour ago, temple said:

Best joke yet!

https://pin.it/72vnUjk

 

Is this a virus?

[Normski 2,038]

Now we have left the EU, shouldn't we be standing 6ft 7ins from people instead of 2 metres?

[boro_boy 1,337]

2 hours ago, Normski said:

Now we have left the EU, shouldn't we be standing 6ft 7ins from people instead of 2 metres?

No I'm used to metres.

[superally 1,310]

3 hours ago, boro_boy said:

No I'm used to metres.

Must be some big boys in the Navy then.

[Hairy Scot 437]

[Bastion 1,219]

12 hours ago, boro_boy said:

No I'm used to metres.

Thought you boys dealt in Leagues and fathoms..........

[temple 0]

18 hours ago, Mr Magnificent said:

Is this a virus?

No it's piniterest! the pic didn't show up, i must be doing it wrong

[Harold 3,646]

1 hour ago, temple said:

No it's piniterest! the pic didn't show up, i must be doing it wrong

sorry mate....I thought it may be so I deleted it. I've found that I can't c&p from pintrest. If you can post the image feel free to do so.

[Harold 3,646]

The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'

'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

[Hairy Scot 437]

4 minutes ago, Harold said:

The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'

'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

Ah! The old ones are the best! 

[Hairy Scot 437]

Brenda didn't have enough to pay the Provident man so she offered him payment in kind.
He was just about to climb aboard when he realised her son was standing in a corner of the room.
"Hey kid!", he said, "Why don't you go out to the shed and find me a hammer?"
Kid says, "Why do you need a hammer? The others just bang it in using their arses!"