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Normski

The New Joke Thread,if You Are Easily offended,Tough Shit

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I had often suggested to my secretary that we should try bondage. As I walked into my office today I found her bound, gagged and bent over the desk. "You little minx!" I said, dropping my trousers. "But I'm still going to have to tell you off for leaving the safe wide open!"

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1 hour ago, boro_boy said:

Just been discovered why so many didn't escape from Grenfell tower.


All the exit signs were written in English.

Not very 'Politically Correct' BB but gave me a chuckle, i'll stand by you on this one :beer:

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I text my wife today. "I had a bad accident at work. I fell from a great height. Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital. The Drs examined me, they x-rayed my legs & say I may never walk again and be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life."
She text back, "Who the fuck is Sarah?"

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Two old people in a retirement home get together and become an item. They get married and look forward to their first night together.
During their first sexual encounter, the old fella goes down on his new wife, but after a couple of minutes, comes back up and says, " sorry love, but I can't stay down there, it fucking stinks"
"Yeah, sorry about that" she says, "it's my arthritis".
 "What he says, arthritis in your fanny"?
"No" she says, "It's in my wrists, I can't wipe my arse

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A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip,
so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her
occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his
situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't
know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so
many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic
Penis,' and pulled out what
seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a
dildo!'

The man
then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic
Penis door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and
started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door
shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to
form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic
Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and
returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had
been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic
Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch..
It was absolutely incredible. After three mind
shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided
she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it
was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how
to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and
started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her
swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this
and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't
had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got
this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't
stop fucking me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and
replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my
ass...!'

 

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On 17/05/2020 at 11:45, boro_boy said:

Just been discovered why so many didn't escape from Grenfell tower.


All the exit signs were written in English.

Fucking hell that's a shocker haha!!

 

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady,

'Do you have a fanny?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,

'Do you have a fanny?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,

'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

'Do you have a fanny?

'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies..

'Good! Would you mind telling your fucking husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

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1 hour ago, Normski said:

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady,

'Do you have a fanny?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,

'Do you have a fanny?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,

'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

'Do you have a fanny?

'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies..

'Good! Would you mind telling your fucking husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Hahahan I like that!!!

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teacher is in class one day and says to the kids i want you to give me a rhyme with timbuktu in it. little mary says i got one... the teacher says ok mary tell us... once i walked across some sand and saw a ship not far from land, it had a very handsome crew its destination timbuktu. very good mary said the teacher. little johnny said i got one miss... ok johnny what is it.. me and tim went down to kent, we saw 3 ladies in a tent, we didnt have that much to do so i bucked 1 and tim bucked 2. 

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walking home from the pub the other night i walked past a dark alleyway and i heard a voice say anything you like £20... i said excuse me madam..she said anything you like £20.. so i thought im having some of that so we got too it up against the wall and after 10 minutes i heard a copper say whats going on here sir i hope thats not a working girl..i said no officer its just my wife...he said sorry sir i didnt know it was your wife...i said neither did i until you shined that tourch..

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A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that sh*t happens and let it go.

The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the rest of the week selling record amounts of computers and TVs and other goods.

The following Monday, the boss got a call - it was the new employee calling in. "Sorry boss - I'm really sick!" The boss was getting more annoyed with him.

Tuesday the young guy was in and selling even more than last week. He finished up the week making a new record for sales for his state.

Next Monday the new guy called in sick again and the boss decided it was time for a chat with him.

So on Tuesday the guy rocks up to work and the boss pulls him aside. "Bob, you're a great salesman, but you keep calling in sick on Mondays - What's going on?"

"Well boss. My sister's just gone through an awful divorce and she calls me every Monday morning crying, so I go over to her house and comfort her. We always end up fucking  for the rest of the day..."

"THAT'S SICK!"

"I told you..."

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man comes home from work late and sits down to eat his dinner of steak chips and peas.. he starts to cut the steak and the knife slips hits a pea and it flies right up his nose.. he calls his wife and says i got a pea stuck up my nose you have long nails see if you can hook it out..fuck off she says its not enough i have to wash your shitty pants now you want me to pick your nose im not doing that...he said how will i get it out? she said our ann in in the front room with her new boyfriend he works for the ambulance service see if he can get it out.. so the boyfriend comes in and says lean your head back and when you do i will put 2 fingers on the tip of your nose and pull it back and you give a little sniff and it will fall right out.. so he put his head back and a little sniff and it fell right out.. he said the way i did that i oughta be a doctor....the man said by the smell on your fingers you oughta be my son in law.. 

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man goes up town for a night out and sees a working girl on the corner and says hi love are you on the game? she said well im not standing here at 2am getting a sun tan so the guy says how much is it? she said its a bit slow tonight so you can have it for 6 quid..he said 6 quid i want to borrow it not buy it....she said how much have you got... he said 2 quid. she said for 2 quid you can look at it and lick it twice...so he had a good look and fast as a flash licked it 5 times....she said hold up mate let me look in my bag i might have 4 quid to lend you 

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man goes for a job as a piano player at a pub and after trying out the owner said the songs you play are fucking beautiful why dont you have a recording contract? the guy says they dont like the song titles....he said what was the name of the first song...the guy said fucked your mother and your sister....and what was the second song called? he said fucked your dog and your cat....the gut said no wonder they wont sign you with names like that...anyway you got the job...so first night he starts to play and it is terrible so the guy says whats up with your playing its rubbish...he said to calm my nerves i have a want before i play and i never had time...so the bar owner said close the curtains and have a quick wank now.. 10 mins later and he is playing like a angel again..so the guy says thats better now but do you know your fly is open your cock is hanging out and you have jizz down your leg???? he said know it i fucking wrote it. 

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