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The New Joke Thread,if You Are Easily offended,Tough Shit


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a dyslexic women goes to the doctors and says doc i keep forgetting to take my contradictive pill. he says you keep forgetting what?? she says i keep forgetting my contradictive pill. he says sorry ma

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Teacher in class said to little Johnny if there was 5 birds on a fence and you shot one of them how many birds would be left. Little Johnny said no birds miss because if I shot one the rest would fly away. She no Johnny the answer is 4 but I like the way your thinking. Johnny said miss I have a question. If 3 women are all eating a ice lolly and one Is biting it. One is licking it and one is sucking it what one is married? Teacher said the one that’s sucking it. Johnny said no miss it’s the one with the wedding ring  but I like the way your thinking

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jewish guy had a champion racing dog and at the track one day he won 3 races so this guy came over to him and said thats a good dog solly do you want to sell it? solly said no chance mate this dog is the best dog around i cant sell him. the guy says i give you £500 for the dog. no chance says solly its not for sale. next morning solly gets up to walk his dog and it is stone dead on the kitchen floor. fucking hell he thought i should have sold that dog yesterday. anyway 2 weeks goes by and solly is back at the dog track and sees the guy again and he says where is your dog solly? he said you wont guess what happend i got up one morning and the fucking thing was dead. the guy said you lost out on £500 there solly. he said not really i made a good profit on the dog. guy says how the fuck did you make money on a dead dog. solly said i raffled it. charged £10 per ticket and sold 100 tickets. the man said what about the guy who won it ? well he moaned a bit so i gave him his £10 back.

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wife: i have a bag full of used clothing i would like to donate

me: why not just throw them in the trash

wife: but their are poor starving people who could really use all these clothes.

me: babe anyone that fits into your clothing is not fucking starving.

can anyone give me the number of a good divorce lawyer?

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women goes to a golf club and asked a bunch of guys if she can play a round with them. the guy says come back on monday at 6 and you can try out and if you are good you can play with us. the lady says fine but its possible i might be 20mins late. monday comes and she is there waiting at 6 sharp. she plays like a pro and wins the game so the guy said come back tomorrow at 6 and you can play again she said ok but i might be 20mins late. next day comes and she is there at 6 sharp. she plays left handed all day and wins again. this goes on all week and on friday the guys are there at 6 waiting for her and she is 20mins late. she tees off and wins again. so the guy says to her why do you change hands when you play. monday right handed tuesday left handed wednesday right handed thursday left handed whats all that about. she said every morning i wake up and lift the bed covers and if my boyfriends dick is pointing to the right i play right handed if its pointing to the left i play left handed. the guy said what happens if his dick is pointing strait up. she said then im 20mins late

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jewish guy was on his death bed and he said to his wife. becky you were by my side when i got shot in ww1. becky you were by my side when i got captured in ww2. becky you were by my side after the war when i lost all my money. becky you are by my side as i lie here dying. becky you are a fucking jinx

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i went swimming the other day and there was a note on the changing room door that said beware of gay man. walked over to the mirror and a note said beware of gay men. saw a note on the floor so i bent over to look at it and it said fucking hell mate you have been warned twice

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on the beach with my irish mate paddy and he said unique ive been walking around with my tight trunks all day and none of the women are looking at me whats the problem. i said what you need to do is find a big rock and stuff it down your trunks and see how you get on. 2hrs later he comes back and says that didnt work at all. the girls are all laughing at me. i said if i was you i would put the rock down the front.

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2 irishman out drinking and miss the last bus to get home. murphy says dont worry the bus garage is just down the road i will steal a bus and drive us home. thats a good idear says paddy. so they get to the garage and murphy says you stay here and keep watch out and i will get the bus. 30 mins go by and paddy can here all this crashing around and horns blowing and all sorts. finely murphy comes out with the bus and paddy says what the fuck were you doing in there man. murphy says the only bus that goes past our house is the number 11 and they parked that one at the back

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  • 2 weeks later...
19 minutes ago, UNIQUE said:

irishman decided to swim all the way from ireland to england he gets half way across and thinks im getting fucking tired now i think i will switch to back stroke. 4 hours later he sees a sign that says welcome to dublin. 

Is that not racist?

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